NMCM All Things Family Blog

Are you living with that terrible feeling of vulnerability and panic when you think your relationship or marriage is over and there is nothing you can do? You are certainly not alone. The good news is – there are things you can DO – today – to fix your relationship so you can Have the Relationship You Want.

I know I thought my marriage was over – we were not having sex , we were not affectionate – we were just existing, with this terrible chasm between us that I could not bridge. Luckily, I ran across some great relationship advice for women by a relationship coach named Rori Raye.

Let’s get right to what I learned. First of all – one of the main reasons that sexual intimacy dies within a relationship is that one or both of the partners feel unsafe. YOU feel unsafe as a woman because you feel unloved in some way, and resentment has built up within you, and then sex starts feeling weird, like it’s with a stranger, someone who does not know your body and your needs.

For him, anger builds up because you withdraw (which I am betting you did not know you did!), which makes HIM in turn feel unsafe. He has no idea what is going on in your head or your heart. He just gets mad , and ends up being critical or withdrawn because of that anger. It’s a vicious cycle.

So what you have is a situation where both of you want love – you want that connection, but you both feel insecure , deserted and hurt.

There are four steps I learned from Rori Raye in her Have the Relationship You Want series. The first thing you have to do in order to help your relationship mend is to BECOME AWARE of the things you do, say and how you act at all times. Write it down if you need to – make a list. Write down what you are thinking and feeling in situations that come up throughout the day.

Second – discover when YOU say or do things that would make you feel slighted , unsafe or angry if it were something your husband or boyfriend said to you. Ever notice that men just might possibly be even MORE sensitive than we are? So put yourself in his shoes for a bit.

The third step that Rori Raye gives us is to open yourself up. Especially if you do not feel safe enough to be intimate with him. Go out on a limb and open up, become vulnerable to him. He may step up and give you what you need, or he may take that opportunity to strike at you – but whatever he does, he will eventually come to see these situations for what they are.

This leads right into step four – which is to be prepared for his (and your own) anger. When your relationship is becoming ready to mend, the fury that you have each been hiding is going to come out – like infection from a wound. When he finally blows up , use “I feel” statements to counteract his anger – do not attack him back or accuse him – let his anger come. Remain calm, express your feelings and let the healing begin.

What happens next is the true miracle. After you let him express himself without matching harsh word for harsh word – he will start to come back to you. He will begin to feel safe, he will begin to laugh again and be affectionate towards you. Then YOU will start to feel safe. And the magic… is reborn .

For me, this was the most valuable piece of relationship advice that I have ever received. It truly turned my marriage around and I am forever grateful to Rori Raye. You can also Have the Relationship You Want by following her simple steps, and learning more about what the dynamics between a man and a woman really mean.

Tags: Marriage

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