NMCM All Things Family Blog

I have a question for you… have you ever heard of a concept called “the Ignorance Ethic”? This is a concept that is widely responsible for many marriage problems in our society today

The “Ignorance Ethic” is a term I use to express how absolutely unaware we are when it comes to the most important relationship on Earth - marriage. It has become clear that we’ve come to accept the fact that we think it’s perfectly acceptable to remain ignorant about the subject of HOW to be happily married

The “Ignorance Ethic” tells us there is no need to learn anything about marriage before we take the plunge and commit to a single individual…for the rest of our life.

While some churches have made the decision to require pre-marriage couples counseling prior to marrying a couple, the majority of churches in the US do not require this preliminary marriage education.

But why should they? After all, the only ingredient necessary for a happy marriage is “love” right?

“Love conquers all”…as they say.

It’s widely accepted that men don’t understand women.

And most men believe that it’s not necessary to take any additional effort to understand the unique woman they married.

And women are no different.

Women, in turn, don’t feel it’s necessary to enter a marriage knowing anything about men either. In fact, a portion of all women believe they can actually “change” their husband into the man they really wanted all along.

These “changes” could range from something small like messy eating habits to a much larger issue like a man’s values when it comes to having and/or raising children.

Complicating the Ignorance Ethic even further is the idealistic viewpoint about finding “your perfect soul mate”, being “compatible” and how “love is something you just fall into” - and is somehow supposed to last for a lifetime.

These misleading beliefs lead us to put forth little effort towards our marriage whatsoever, yet somehow we still expect to be happily married forever.

Sure, most people anticipate to hit a few bumps along the way, but nobody expects minor marriage problems to lead to major - often resulting in a divorce.

The majority of people’s outlook on divorce is, “oh, that will never happen to me.” And as a result, marriage always assuming any “bumps in the road” will simply work themselves out.

In fact, here’s a common statement I hear time and time again from “staying spouses” who come to me when their marriage is on the verge of divorce…

“I thought we’d get married and things would just work themselves out.”

Work themselves out?

When does anything in your life just work itself out? Don’t YOU have to do something

Aren’t you supposed to take responsibility for the direction your marriage is headed?

Heck! Your wedding didn’t “work itself out”. The bride most likely lost sleep and strained the relationship working hard to make everything perfect for her special day.

A wedding is not an event that is even CLOSE to “working itself out”.

So after a couple MAKES their wedding exactly the way they want it, they start living their lives together with the belief that their marriage, their union, their life - will all just “work itself out”.

Now doesn’t that sound crazy when you really think about it?

Take kids for example. You put great effort and responsibility into raising your kids. They can’t just take care of themselves….and neither can your marriage!

I hope that by now, you’re starting to understand why millions of couples who promise to love, honor and cherish each other for the rest of their lives - often end up in divorce court fighting over 401K’s, children’s’ loyalties and home equity.

In summary, if you’re struggling with marriage problems, first look at what brought your marriage to the point you’re at right now.

And please, before you even CONSIDER marriage counseling, or any other kind of marriage help, consider the following 5 questions…

1) Have you been neglecting your marriage by “keeping busy” with all the other so called, priorities in everyday life?

2) Are you stuck in a sexless marriage? Has your relationship lost the spark it once had? If this is true, you need to make it a priority to begin meeting each other’s needs in different ways so you can re-establish the close connection you once had.

3) How often do the two of you spend time together?

4) If your relationship is at a point where your marriage problems are so bad that a divorce is on the very near, think back to a time BEFORE things really took a turn for the worst. Were you there for your husband or wife when s/he needed you? If not, it may be time to change your lifestyle. Despite what you may think, it’s not too late if you are 100% committed to your marriage.

Bottom line, the first step in ANY learning process is identifying what went wrong in the first place. And hopefully you’ve learned by now that marriage is no different.

To be [spin]happily married, you need to be educated|Marriage requires education[spin] just like everything else you learn in life.

So my marriage advice to you is this…

While your marriage problems may not be your fault (you and your spouse simply didn’t know any better), it IS your responsibility to find a way to EDUCATE yourself so you can rebuild, repair and restore your marriage and save your family from the ravages of divorce.

And by the way…couples counseling and other traditional counseling methods are not your only options. There are other marriage counseling alternatives that focus on finding a solution instead of just “dwelling” on the issues. Take the first step towards a better marriage today before you give up hope.

Tags: Marriage

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